Remembering our Babies

October 15th, 2014

For those of you who don't know, October is National Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month.  October 15th is a day of remembrance.  Tonight at 7pm everyone across the nation lights a candle and lets it burn for one hour.  This creates a 'wave' of light.  If you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby in miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss due to any cause, light a candle tonight in remembrance of them.

Before Joel and I started talking about having children I never realized how many babies are lost.  My older sister started having kids before any of our friends.  It was the first time I experienced someone losing a baby.  She suffered too many miscarriages.  I never understood the pain she felt.  Joel and I had a miscarriage before Liam and it broke our heart.  After that we only had a glimpse of the pain her family was feeling.  Right now I know at least nine ladies who have lost at least one baby through miscarriage.  Before we lost Jonah I didn't know anyone who had lost a baby to stillbirth or early infant loss.  After we lost him I have had numerous people tell me their experience in the loss of their baby.  It breaks my heart to know other people had to experience something like this.  A pain that will never go away.  What I've learned from talking to people is that you don't move on from it or forget about it.  All you do is learn to live with it.  All of these people still mourn the loss of their child years later.  Part of that is scary to think I may be sad years down the road but the other part of me feels relief.  Relief that I won't ever forget about my 2nd son, Jonah Donovan Naylor.

Did you know?....

Today is a way to honor all of those babies who have been lost.  So I encourage you, even if you aren't that 1 out of 4 who has lost a baby, light a candle tonight.  Know that someone you know out there probably has experienced one kind of loss.

On Jonah's original due date, September 16th, 2014, my mother took me to pottery hollow, a place where you paint pottery.  She wanted to take me somewhere where I could honor and remember Jonah.  I painted this lantern.  This will forever be his lantern and we will burn the candle in it to remember him.

Jonah's Autopsy

October 6th, 2014

Today is a day filled with many emotions.  I can't help but think about not only Jonah but our future as parents.

This day has been a long one waiting.  Jonah's autopsy was finished back in August.  One of Jonah's doctors called me right about my 6 week follow up appointment and said my doctors and Jonah's doctors would meet to review it and then contact me a time after where we could meet with them.  Today was that day to meet.

Jonah's autopsy showed that he passed away from a perforation in his large intestines. This is something we already knew but weren't quite sure on why it happened. They said this was most likely caused from a bacteria he had.  This was not a bacteria he got while in utero or was caused by the hydrops.  This is a common bacteria that babies can have and that most people carry without even knowing it.  It's a common thing that can happen to premie babies.  Part of me feels broken to know that Jonah fought so hard and had overcome the hydrops only to be taken away by something completely different.

We also found out that Jonah was a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis.  They said he wouldn't of had it but is only a carrier for one of the strands.  Which means Joel or myself are also a carrier and possibly Liam as well.  This is something we will need to do some further testing on.  They did say that this had nothing to do with what Jonah had or the cause of the hole in his intestines.

My doctors have always said, from the beginning, that Jonah's hydrops were caused from my antibodies fighting against his antibodies.  They always seemed like it didn't make sense and there was something they were missing.  Both of us were hoping the autospy would shed some light on this.

Back in August when I went for my 6 week appointment I was told that we have a very high risk of all of this happening again if we were to get pregnant again.  There was nothing to stop it from happening and it may even be worse because my body is now really ready to fight back.  See my doctors have always said the cause of Jonah's hydrops was because he was very anemic.  A baby can become very anemic for multiple reasons.  They did much research and the only thing they came up with was that my antibodies were fighting against his antibodies.  So my doctor told me the only thing they could do if I get pregnant again was to monitor me very closely and the minute they see signs of the baby being anemic they would start blood transfusions.  Of course I don't even know how to begin to explain how I felt when I heard this news.  I completely fell apart.  How could I bring another child into this world knowing there was an extremely high chance they could go through what Jonah went through.  I could care less if I had to go through any of the procedures again.  But what I can't bare is losing another baby.  Or having another baby suffer the way Jonah did.  It's not fair to any baby to have to endure what he did.

After the autopsy it doesn't seem like many questions were answered on future pregnancies.  The answers were pretty much the same thing.  Things still didn't seem to add up to the antibodies causing the hydrops but nothing else seemed to make sense.  The only thing difference is that I actually know what it is called that I have, anti-JKa Antibodies.  The doctors we talked to tonight were Jonah's doctors so they could only give me little information about this.  So they recommended that we see a genetic counselor and one of my former high risk doctors.

All that's left to do is to trust in my Lord and Savior.

God, I ask you to give us faith and trust in your plans for us.  To not fall into temptation when things are tough or scary.  That we hold onto you with all our heart and know you will guide us for our future.  God we praise you for blessing us with a sweet boy we only knew for a short time but that has made an impact on our lives forever.  God we ask for strength during this time.  In Jesus name.

Be still, and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10a)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the Lord your God who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:6,8)

The last picture I took of him while he was still here on Earth.

July 3, 2014