A week ago marked a month since Jonah was born. Tomorrow will be a month since we lost him. My heart still aches for him every minute of every day. Almost everything throughout the day reminds me of him. Things like holding Liam while he sleeps or seeing a newborn baby or seeing two brothers playing together. Sometimes it's hard seeing these things but sometimes it's a good feeling because I'm thinking of him.
I look at pictures and imagine holding him, smelling him, and kissing him. Then I just think of how much I wish I would have looked at him more, touched him more, took more pictures and videos, overall just how I didn't do enough. That feeling may never go away but I've realized that it wouldn't have mattered if I had looked at him every minute he was with us, touched him as much as I could have, or had a million pictures and videos; it still would not have been enough. God has given me comfort in knowing that we did the best we could and that Jonah knew how much he was loved. Even if I didn't stare at him every minute of the day, he knew I was in the room. Even if I didn't touch him as much as I could, he knew that I longed to touch him all day but I didn't want to disturb him while he was sleeping. I know that he knew how much he was loved. Not only by me but by his daddy, big brother, family, and friends who never got to meet him.
This last month has been so incredibly hard without having him here with us. God has given us some comfort through it and I know eventually it will get easier over time. It doesn't mean I'll forget him or stop missing him, but I know days ahead will be easier.
I find hope in this verse, "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
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